Sunday, November 27, 2005

A Post about Mess

my world is a mess, and i can't clean it all up.

i've asked the higher powers for some help.

it has been a long time since i've wanted this much help.

but i could sure use some.

tomorrow, well see what comes.

for now? im going to sleep until its tomorrow.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

A Post about Good Days

There isn't necessarily a need to talk about your good days. They are just good. Today was a good day.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

A Post About Tomorrow

I'm going to spend my entire day practicing and studying. Tomorrow I'm going to be an island. No away messages, no checking my mail, no myspace. Just studying. I need a break from being part of the world. I think I just need to live in my own private musical academic world.

Thats what I wanted to say.

A Post about Friends

A big part of the reason I am the way I am is because of the people who I am closest with. They make me braver than I've ever been before and are always there to comfort me when I let insanity or depression or my basic inseceurities take over. I feel lucky to have the people in my life. They are tremendous. Last night I surprised Jim and visited him and he, single-handedly, put me in that place of being okay with whatever happens regarding my current state at CSUN. After just two hours of hanging out! He's awesome. And a bro.

And today I thought it was funny because Molly told me that people at PCC think were going out. Thats fun for me because people think I'm going out with a pretty girl, and when it comes to pretty girl, Molly's the prettiest. She makes me feel lucky because she loves me so much. She voluntarily holds my hand and lets me keep her warm sometimes. I don't want people to think I'm moving up on Molly and that I'm disrepectful of her relationship with Justin (especially since because of some events that happened last summer, I feel like one of the few guy friends of Molly that actually is respectful!) but it is nice that I can express how I honestly feel about her and when I asked her if I should stop she basically said "fuck that shit". I guess it makes sense. I don't want her to not honestly express how she feels about me. Especially since she loves me and shit. Its nice.

That's all I have to say about that. I just wanted to record how lucky I feel that I have these people in my life. I'm not sure how next semester is going to pan out, but when uncertainty struck my world hardcore, Jim and Molly did some unbelievable damage control without even attempting to do so.

I'm lucky.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

A Post about Babies

Some car rides expect day dreaming. And today I day dreamed a lot about a future pregnant wife. I'd love it if she spoke many languages but all that is important to me is that my baby's mama is the one I love. I hope I don't impregnate a chick I don't like. That would suck. Anyway, I was thinking of how much I already love my unborn child.

The first thing I would spend on my unborn child would be an iPod. I would buy him/her an iPod and fill it with music every culture available in mp3 format. Not just our western shit (classical, jazz, rock, pop, etc), although I plan on filling that thing with a representative survey of all that stuff, but also music from rich musical cultures like India and Africa and Cuba. My child will have been exposed to every piece of music I can possibly share with him/her in a 9 month span. I hope the woman I love is the woman I knock up and the woman who will sit with me for two hours each day as I place headphones on her belly and tell both her and my baby about the music. Hopefully she'd find it cute. Because whoever this woman is, I already love her. And this very moment, I'm positive that I will do anything for this unborn baby.

In the end of this day dreaming, I concluded that although I hope I meet someone who will let me put a headphone to her belly every day for nine months, I'm in no hurry. Part of the philosophy Jim and I founded is that at this point in our lives we'd both make shitty boyfriends. And we're absolutely right. So hopefully this girl doesn't come along anytime soon. I'm busy working on my skills. And as I'll be working on skills, I'm sure she'll come around and surprise me.

And somehow, after dating for awhile, I'll try to sneak in the question "How do you feel about headphones?"

Sunday, October 30, 2005

A Post about Soul

There is so much you can do for your soul. And only so much you can do for your body.

At this very second, my body is in pain. But I can honestly say that my soul is the exact opposite. And as I get older I like to think that I better understand what creates these results. To me, a body in pain and a spirit that's strong is something you are blessed with. So you don't ask questions and you don't wait for it to fade away. You just enjoy it.

If your even luckier though, your body will be as strong as your spirit. And I believe that is all very attainable. But for me, the black eyes and the bruises and the hangovers are souvenirs. The way I see it, your bumps and bruises are keepsakes that remind you how fucking awesome the night before was, how little you slept, how fast you were riding that skateboard down the hill, and most of all, how blessed you are to be alive to feel all this.

Now that this week is coming to a close, I have a lot of stuff to get done. A lot of hauling ass. A lot of painful and tedious work. But I now know for the rest of this arduous academic semester, that its going to be okay because even though my body will be recovering from the past seven days, my spirit will lead me through it, and probably even carry my body on its back. And with or without bags under my eyes and any hours of sleep, I will survive.

The love inside sustains me. Because I am blessed with something special. Ouch.

Friday, October 28, 2005

A Post about Trust

Somedays, I get frustrated and even sad by the fact that I feel like the friendships I have are all long distance.

Half of the week, I'm in Northridge...the other half, in Eagle Rock/Pasadena. And then there are my friends who I only see once a full moon because they are all a distance away from me. They are with me in spirit I'm sure, but the reality is that with all the people I feel lucky to know and call my friend, there just isn't a predictability I can expect when it comes to communication.

The people I feel most intimate with are people I've grown close to in the past two years. They have taught me a lifetime worth of lessons already and I don't know how to repay them, so I just smile and say the same words over and over again. I think every relationship goes through a process of developments and hopefully you can reach a point where noncommunication is not a pain in the ass but a blessing. My friend Jean Louise calls it a promise.

She likes the idea that we don't have to talk to each other for hours to understand each other. I like the idea too.

If you're lucky people like Jean will help you to realize this promise and keep it, in which eventually calling a friend and hearing that same goddamn voice message for the millionth time will no longer makes you cringe in frustration. And If you're extremely lucky, new personnel will enter your life and after going through a process of developments, will make similar promises to you.

God help you. I hope you can trust these promises. Because lack of communication takes a big leap of faith. A big big BIG leap of faith. But if the outgoing message of your new long distance friend still troubles you, there is something I learned today that you can do to help you along in the faith department.

And so as you call the number of that one outgoing message you'll now have heard for the millionth and one time, you can watch the smile enter your face as you say the same words over and over again.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

A Post about Pussy

If you have good people in your life, you are going to HAVE to put up with some shit. Simply because if they weren't good people, you wouldn't have a reason to put up with their shit. And if you are a good person, they have a reason to put up with yours. Some days you forget that, and you have to remind yourself that they care for you and will be there for you. And some other days you forget that, and you have to remind yourself that deep down you care about them and that they need you too. I think that's the basic rule on how good relationships work. You just have to remind yourself if its worth it.

And if it's not, then don't be a pussy, and leave.

And if it is, then don't be a pussy, and stay.